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The most amazing thing happened to me last week. I was posting an Instagram picture on my new iPhone 5 of this awesome fishing bass-hat baseball cap I had just purchased when I fell down the main escalator at the Greenfield Mall.
The next thing I know I am standing in front of these gigantic pearl-essence glass and steel gates. After a few moments they open slightly and a guy walks out. “Eric Samuel” he says. I say “yes, I’m Eric Samuel.” He begins typing into a tablet he was holding (iPad 3rd generation).
He was about my height with a perfectly shaved head, Dieter glasses and a black turtleneck. While looking down and typing he says, “I’m Saint Peter.” I was shocked, “Am I dead” I asked? Staring at the tablet he stopped typing (not an iPad, Surface 2?) and said, “not yet.” Then he typed some more.
“So, what now,” I asked? He said that I needed to answer a few questions before he opened the hallowed gates. I said, “Okay, is it like I have heard, questions like, ‘were you true to your family?’” He said without looking up, “no, things have changed and the questions are more comprehensive.” I was a little freaked out, as this was a St. Peter pop quiz? After a little more typing he looked up and said in a very stern voice, “The questions I will ask must be answered truthfully. You may answer the questions as I as I ask them or you may choose to hear all of them first and then go back and answer each one.” “I’ll hear them all first,” I said, as it was best to get a feel first so I knew how I should answer them. “Okay, let us begin,” and he continued to look down at his tablet (I’m sure it was a Kindle Fire 1st gen).
Without looking up he said, “This is the end of part one, there are three parts in total.” This really through me for a loop, as I needed to be honest with him but I could see by his questions that the fact that I watched Fox on occasion for laughs was going to hurt my chances to get in.
I was wearing flip-flops so I had to be truthful there. I once ordered a pizza from a chain store and they said the cheese was Artisanal but I had my doubts. I considered lying on each question when he looked up from his tablet (Nexus 10 for sure) and said, “Before we go on, I need to warn you that we use the NSA total information data system to check the truthfulness of your answers.”
I panicked when I realized my Wi-Fi connection was a shared connection with my roommates and, even worse, I occasionally drove my mother’s Escalade to take my grandmother to her weekly kidney dialysis, so blurted out something like, “this isn’t fair, I didn’t know there would be a test like this…” and moment later I was lying on the marble floor at the base of the main escalator in the Greenfield Mall.
I looked and saw my iPhone was still in my hand and it hadn’t posted the picture of the bass-hat so I hit post. The amazing thing happened right after I hit post, as some random dude stole my brand new iPhone 5 right from my hand!
